When I started this last year, or at least kicked it off, I had some aspirations of greatness. You kind of need that when you start a project. It’s required. You have to believe you’ll be able to do something worth doing. That someone out there might value it.

I quickly learned that I’m not very good at doing things for other people. Performing based on someone else’s wants or expectations—it strips the color out of the things I enjoy. The moment it starts to feel like work meant for others, the spark disappears. It feels like I’m not allowed to enjoy what I’m doing, because it stops being mine. It becomes a gift I’m expected to give.

Some people are great at that. Some people thrive on putting themselves forward. They feed off the thrill of a crowd or the joy of being known, and they’re amazing at it. And I’m not against that. I think most of us enjoy a bit of recognition. But it doesn’t fuel me. It doesn’t make me feel whole.

I don’t really know how to explain it. I’m sorry I can’t put it more clearly. Maybe it’s just me.

I’m a little sad about it. About not being able to keep up the energy, not being able to create something great and consistent. But I knew it wasn’t for me the moment putting it down felt like relief.

And yet, here I am again. Typing on this little website that I honestly think no one but me and Google even knows exists.

Why?

This time it’s just for me.

If you’re reading this—sorry if it seems mopey. It’s not. I just tend to write melancholically. Introspective is the polite term.

See, I’ve restarted dozens of things in my life, probably hundreds. You probably have too. There’s always something you should be doing. Some way to improve yourself or the world. And when it doesn’t work, you kick yourself about it now and then. And when it does work? Sometimes that still isn’t enough. There’s always more.

Blessed are those who feel satisfied. With themselves, their work, and the world around them.

But this isn’t a restart. Not really. I don’t think there’s such a thing for me anymore. Most of what I’ve done is built on the ruins of something before it. This is just the continuation. The next chapter. A different era.

So if you’re reading this, I hope you’re well. I hope you like what I’ve made.

And if you don’t, that’s okay too. This is for me.